If a Loved One is (sometimes) suicidal…

Fifteen years ago, I lost my younger brother, Steve, to suicide. In the early months and years that followed, I often felt badly that I didn’t do enough to prevent his death. Thanks to counselling, and writing a book about his death and the aftermath (Did You Know I Would Miss You? – The Transformational Journey of the Suicide Survivor), I no longer feel overwhelming guilt about how I might have let him down. I have forgiven myself. I am at peace.

I knew more about his struggles than I was able to admit at the time. Throughout our adult lives, Steve and I were not close geographically or socially, but we shared a common battle that we never spoke about. While writing his story and walking in his shoes, I found myself engaging with those dark thoughts that can take a life. They weren’t new to me; over the years, I had occasionally grappled with suicidality. In fact, when everything was falling apart in my mid-twenties, I took an overdose of antidepressants, phoned my estranged husband to tell him, and woke up in the hospital the following day, relieved to be alive. Unlike Steve, who meant business, I was reaching out for help, however desperately.

If your friend or family member is struggling in the way that my brother and I struggled, or you suspect that they are, don’t be afraid to talk to them. How are you feeling? Are you considering harming yourself? Have you had thoughts like this before? Giving a person who’s feeling depressed and/or entertaining thoughts of suicide a chance to talk about what’s going on can help them break out of that terrible hopelessness, shame, and isolation that they’re likely feeling.

If you find such conversations difficult, as I and my other family members did, contact friends and/or professionals in whom you can confide and who are able to talk about suicide in a nondramatic, nonjudgmental way. You don’t want to face this devastating challenge alone. It might be possible to arrange for a casual social situation with a supportive friend or acquaintance, in which you create a safe space for your loved one to share what they’re going through.

Make sure you’re aware of the resources in your community that support suicide prevention.

Call the crisis line – 1-888-494-3888. They will direct you to local resources. You can also contact Canada Suicide Prevention and Support: 1-833-456-4566 (English): 1-866-277-3553 (French).

Of course, if the risk is serious and your loved one taken action and/or is intending to, take them to Emergency or call 911 immediately.

You can encourage someone to get help, you can support their focusing on the things that make life worthwhile for them, and you can assist them in accessing emergency services, but don’t assume it’s “your job” to save someone from taking his/her own life. Other than doing what you can and marshalling whatever resources are available, if a person makes the choice to end it all, there is little you can do to prevent it.

It’s essential to take care of yourself when dealing with a suicidal loved one. Apart from providing for your own needs for food, rest, play, and contact with people who love you, it’s important to stay connected with your own joy in being alive. In my book, I offer a journal writing exercise that invites you to choose from one of the phrases below and write for five to 20 minutes. If you are feeling low and are not in touch with that part of you that embraces life, choose one that begins with “I intend to…”

I find meaning in…

I intend to find meaning in…

I find hope in…

I intend to find hope in…

I live for…

I am inspired by…

I intend to find inspiration in…

I celebrate…

I intend to celebrate…

If journal-writing isn’t your thing, it might be helpful to use one of these phrases as a conversation-starter with a friend, or just as something to ponder while taking a walk, or sitting quietly.

To help myself heal from losing Steve, I had imaginary conversations with him in my journal. In one of them, I asked him what he would say to someone who feels suicidal and is seriously considering taking their life. This was his response: Please don’t. Reach out to someone who loves you, and if they’re not available, reach out to God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it. You don’t have to be a believer… The word, ‘help’ is all you need to say. It’s only four letters long, but it can turn everything around.”

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